Why do these guys think they have the right?

by

“My friend bet me I couldn’t grab your ass. Can I please grab it? There is money involved.”

Oh MY GOD NO CREEPY DUDE! NO YOU CANNOT GRAB MY ASS!

I look over and seriously find his friends staring at me like I was a medium rare stake au pov. Just 45 min later I am getting humped from behind by some different creepy dude and his friends watching. What the fuck?!? $80 to go see Alice in Chains and Deftones. The show was amazing. Don’t get me wrong…there is nothing wrong with getting humped…but nowhere on my receipt does it have a hidden fee involving sexual harassment. I was getting those stupid looks and comments all fucking night. What the hell happened to treating women with respect? It’s because I don’t have a big boyfriend/husband to protect me from getting molested? Is that it? WHAT THE FUCK.

Has it ever occurred to you guys that I’m someone’s daughter? I’m someone’s sister? I’m a well educated lady?

I guess what really pissed me off is I talked to the guy before he did that. I told him that I paid a ton of money to be here and I don’t care if him and his friends want to mosh. Just stop bumping into me. This is the point when I realized they were intentionally throwing themselves at me and no one else. “You are a lot bigger than I am. Please stop.” Not 60 seconds later I have this 200lb + dude knocking into me and humping me while doing it.

It’s not funny. It’s not cool. It’s not fair. I wish I had a knife. I’d fucking cut your dick off.

And no I don’t hate men. I actually like men. All different kinds of men too. I don’t discriminate. I am a healthy heterosexual American woman. I don’t mind flirting either…but it’s the vulgarity now-a-days that really turn me off to your species. And don’t get me wrong…get a few drinks in me I’m swearing like a sailor, being crass, and unladylike myself. All in good fun. But I’d never reach out and intentionally disrespect someone or objectify them. That’s not how I roll. So what is it with you guys? Just cause I’m wearing a skirt and I look cute that means I’m a slut? Pardon me for being sexually attractive. I won’t do it again. #MFIF

Joanna

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13 Responses to “Why do these guys think they have the right?”

  1. xchx Says:

    While I really sympathize with this, I wish you hadn’t included the “well-educated lady” part. Its a bit class-ist. It doesn’t matter if you were completely illiterate, you certainly shouldn’t have guys betting on whether or not they can harrass or potentially sexually assault you!

    • mcsqueeky Says:

      I’m going to have to agree with xchx. It doesn’t matter if you’re educated or not — or if you’re heterosexual or healthy or American, etc. I also get the feeling you’re trying to prove you’re not a “feminazi.” The only thing that matters if that you were sexually harassed, and it’s totally the fault of those assholes.

      I also have to add that sexual harassment isn’t something that happens “now-a-days.” It has been around for a loooong time.

  2. rillion Says:

    I won’t say anything against what you’ve said here, because I agree 100%. All I will say is that in such situations, your best weapons are a) friends, b) a loud and assertive voice, and c) strange guys. Seriously. If you’ve got the friends and the loud voice, the latter might not be necessary. But the most immediate way to draw attention to the fact that some guy is harassing you at a concert is to say “NO, STOP” as loudly as possible, and rally the people around you against him (not “please.” “Please” doesn’t affect anyone here). You could do so while kicking him in the nuts, but that should be a last resort as it might well end with you having to give an explanation to the cops. My experience is that simply voicing your objection loudly and clearly tends to attract the attention of chivalrous guys/gals nearby, sometimes big and scary ones, and they can be your allies.

    If you find that this kind of strategy still doesn’t work, well…..I hate to say it, but just staying out of the mosh pit might be the only way to avoid this crap.

  3. alumiere Says:

    I sympathize with this, and I’ve had similar things happen, which leads me to wonder where the venue’s security was, and why you didn’t speak to them.

    Usually when I’ve been at shows where people are being dicks, the security will in fact check that shit quick. Especially if there’s a pit, because they can be held liable in many cases if things get out of hand.

    It’s sad that a polite request for them to cut it didn’t work, but if my stomping on them with a spiked heel or throwing elbows (hey, it’s a mosh pit) doesn’t get the message through, then I’m happy to let security stomp their asses for me (and they usually will, and be proud to do it as I’m a ‘hot chick with a mohawk). Maybe it’s the punk in me, but I refuse to let assholes dictate how I dress or act although it’s #MFIF too – if it wasn’t, security probably wouldn’t be so quick to act, but I figure in cases like this all’s fair.

  4. scrivener212 Says:

    The loud yelling to draw attention works. If you’re not with a group of women, go up to one and ask if you can hang with them because these assholes are bothering you (or a group of gay men, if they’re representing). Go stand near the security people.

    And start bringing a spray can of hairspray or something like it. If you’ve warned him and he won’t back off, tell him the next time he does it you’re going to make sure he looks like he wet his pants for the rest of the night. And if he does it again, spray the front of his pants, but good, and head for the security people. Or just throw your drink on him.

  5. Doomed Lapels Says:

    While giving advice is very good and everything, I’m slightly concerned that 3/5 comments on this post so far are about what the victim should or should not have done. She should have carried hairspray; she should have yelled; she should have spoken to security; she should have sought help from other attendees; she shouldn’t have been where she was; she shouldn’t have said ‘please’; she shouldn’t have gone there without friends.

    What about ‘Those arseholes shouldn’t have sexually assaulted you’? What’s with the after-the-event guilt-tripping? I’ll be honest, in situations where I’ve been assaulted or harassed, the last thing I want to hear is all the ways I dealt with it wrong. That usually makes me feel pretty bad, actually.

    • alumiere Says:

      I agree with you, and if you noticed, my comment asked where security was because I’d had similar incidents. Those guys were being assholes, and the venue should have stopped it.

      I also find that a lot of people are intimidated by security at clubs, and having worked in clubs for years sometimes reminding others that the venue is responsible when their guests cause problems helps going forward. The point being that assaulting or harassing women shouldn’t happen, brawls/fights, stabbings/shootings, gay bashing, etc shouldn’t happen. And if it does then the venue isn’t properly monitoring what goes on.

      The asshats are responsible first, but so are the club owners, bouncers, etc who allow it to happen. And the owners/staff can face legal consequences for failing to stop it, which admittedly shouldn’t be necessary, but it is a fact. Anything from fines to restitution etc to loss of their bonds, liquor license or permits. If knowing that gives someone the ammo to help themselves or another guest who’s being hassled, then it’s worth discussing even after the fact.

    • scrivener212 Says:

      I didn’t say what she should have done–I suggested what she might do next time. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip her for not doing these things–they are all things I worked out to do after similar things happened to me.

      Surely the assumption that these assholes are dead wrong and you’re entitled to assault them or yell at them or call for security is implicit in the to-dos for next time? Frankly, if I am delivering hairspray to a guy’s pants–or his face–or my fingers to his eyes, or I’m cranking his little finger as far back on itself as far as it will go, I’ve already decided his behavior is dead wrong and I am so right in causing him so much pain he will go away. We read novels for subtext, why not posts on the internet?

      These guys are assholes. They shouldn’t be pulling this crap. They’ll definitely make it worse for the club by driving women away. And saying that with a coin or a bill will get a girl a cup of coffee. I’m not guilt-tripping this poster. I want her to have all the tools in her arsenal she can collect.

    • rillion Says:

      I said I agreed 100% with the OP. I suppose I could have gone on and on about that, but it doesn’t do anything to help her if she encounters this situation again. Victimizers are always to blame for what they do, but that doesn’t mean potential victims shouldn’t protect themselves for their own sake.

      • Doomed Lapels Says:

        It’s not exactly hard to find advice on this subject. I doubt there are many women who haven’t heard over and over ad nauseam what they should do in order not to get raped, assaulted, abused, or harassed. We already know we’re expected to change our behaviour in all kinds of ways, and put ourselves to all manner of inconvenience; I’m just not sure why people feel they need to add to the pile of backhanded blame by handing out unsolicited advice every time someone gets harassed.

      • jesurgislac Says:

        I said I agreed 100% with the OP. I suppose I could have gone on and on about that, but it doesn’t do anything to help her if she encounters this situation again.

        Of course it does – a lot better than your carping at her and telling her what she “should” have done.

        You’re a guy, right? You have no idea what it feels like to have a crowd of people all acting as if any man who finds YOU attractive is entitled to handle or verbally assault you.

        I don’t know if she needs our support to know that she’s right to be enraged and that the men have no right to handle or harass her in any way. But whether or not she needs our support, she needs to know – if it happens again, let’s hope not – that there’s another crowd of people who know her assailants are in the wrong, and she’s in the right, no matter what she does or doesn’t do about the assault.

        Your carping is unproductive: it makes you feel better, probably, but you’re not who we’re concerned about here.

      • Doomed Lapels Says:

        p.s. Try reading the section entitled “Sexual Assault Prevention Tips” part way down this page: http://girlwpen.com/?p=1614

  6. brightstormyday Says:

    I love you.

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