In high school a teacher once described me as being “on a different wavelength” to the other girls and I guess that must’ve been true, because hard as I tried to blend in I could never quite do it. Of course this made me an easy target for bullying, and there was a group of three or four boys who made every day a living hell for me.
All the way through Maths they’d sit and make grossly inappropriate and petty comments, and a couple of times outside of class they’d even do things like grab my ass, or one of them would put their arm around me or something, and they found it so funny, laughing at this weak, ugly, pathetic little thing who hated them but rarely fought back or made a fuss, because she learned quickly that the few times she did make a fuss no-one really cared.
It doesn’t sound like much, but this was every day for close to four years, and it wore me down. If I shut up and kept my head down then they didn’t stop, but they paid less attention to me than otherwise.
I went to high school a bright, talkative kid and dropped out as a clinically depressed, nervous wreck with no self-esteem and a deep distrust of people in general. My teacher was aware of the whole thing. I don’t see how she couldn’t have been, they weren’t discreet about any of it, and our desks were near the very front of the class. I figured if she knew what was going on and never interfered then it couldn’t be that bad and I should just grin and bear it as much as possible. They made me feel so small and insignificant just because they could, because anything they said to me would be classed as ‘boys being boys’.
I left high school seven months ago when my depression got too overwhelming for me to function properly, but I still feel small and powerless and weak, and sometimes I feel like I competely deserve to feel that way because I let those boys get under my skin. I hate feeling insignificant, out-of-control, dependant on others but I let them take away all my power and I did it barely putting up a fight because I figured out quickly that no-one listens to the weird loner kid, especially if she happens to have a vagina.
But hey, I’m supposed to be quiet and accepting and insignificant, right? I guess I should know my place and just be happy that the boys paid attention to me. If they pull your pigtails they must like you, and we all know that our sole purpose in life as women is to attract men, right? Clearly, #MFIF.